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Monday
Aug292011

astonishing scientific breakthrough

  Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

    Tonight, I have the privilege to announce news of an astonishing scientific breakthrough.

    A discovery as revolutionary to our understanding of the nature of the universe as those of Newton and Einstein.

    When you leave this theater, your perceptions of space and time will have been so radically changed that you will no longer be able to accept the myths which have for so long been promoted by the scientific establishment and the military, and the industrial conspiracies of NASA and the Kremlin.

    I can reveal tonight that contrary to your present misconceptions of the physical universe.

    The Earth is flat!

    I am aware that this information will come as something of a surprise ... shock even. But I ask you to consider this.

    The world on which you live is not a sphere, but a disc--spinning, horizontally in space.

    Upon this disc the land masses are arranged around two centers of opposing magnetic polarities, and these centers exert such colossal gravitational influence that any traveler, trying to move in a straight line outwards from the poles will involuntarily expand and accelerate to a point which Einstein recognized as that at which a straight line inevitably becomes a curve.

    A traveler will therefore find himself unknowingly describing an ellipse and eventually, of course, returning to the point from which he departed.

    This presentation has of necessity been brief and oversimplified.

    But I would finally like to add that these theories are not in any way at odds with the scientific order described by Newton and Einstein. Rather they are a logical unifying development of gravitational and atomic physics.

    For too long, NASA and the Kremlin have successfully pulled the wool over our eyes. I urge you to throw off centuries of brainwashing and accept the evidence of your own experience.

    There is only one scheme of nature which corresponds to our everyday knowledge of the world.

    All else is delusion.

    The Earth is flat!

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